I am tired. So goddamn tired.
I am tired of putting on a mask. I've been doing that for almost 22 years now. And I am done.
I am tired of struggling and sacrificing myself on an altar, in family, in ambitions, in uncertainty, in sweat, in blood, in tears, in love and in death.
All for a future as uncertain as my mortality.
And what do I get in return?
More loss. And more and more loss - culminating into a perpetual impasse.
I am done. Done. Done. Done.
I am done feeling like a wishbone between my ambitions and the ones that I love more than my next breath.
I am done feeling like I am being punished by Fate in return for my aspirations.
Done pretending that everything is all right. Done pretending that I am strong, independent, and solitary.
Yes I am all of those things, but I am also a woman.
And a woman is always in exile in a man's world.
Oh God, the Most Beneficent, this is a cry for help. For I am already defeated.
I want to be better. I want to get better. I want to feel again. To truly smile again.
To truly see Beauty in all its glory, and in myself.
I am done shedding sorrowful tears without even realizing the torrents that poured forth from my lids have reached the ground.
I am done feeling that everytime I open my eyes the first impulse is just to close them again. I wish it was laziness and love of sleep.
I just want to forget. Forget and forget and disappear into my dreams and slumber.
And I wonder if someday, perhaps, I might disappear forever, never to wake up again.
I am done feeling like every bone is broken in my body each time I hear the alarm clock blaring at sunrise.
I am broken.
But I don't want you to see me broken.
You don't see me. You have never seen me. You have never looked close enough into these cold, emotionless eyes, full of tragedy.
No, you don't see me at all.
