wistfulness

i long for the life that i've lost.

how much longer would i have to fight?

this battle has left me drained and bloodied. 

i am at an impasse, and there is no way out.

signed,

the outcast

respite

Здравствуй, ребята

please forgive this temporary period of respite. work and school has distracted me ceaselessly without mercy, and Dostoevsky has pretty much taken over my life.

this is the first time that i have bothered to check my blog after my sojourn. and what a journey it was.

girl meets world. girl is happy. girl is alone on the road, but never lonely. girl is also confused. then reality happened.

she is a woman now.

what is it that makes one so morose when his or her birthday is approaching?

i vow, dear reader, that i will relay my impressions on the road once this stifling midterm period is over.

did i mention that i laid down with a skeleton, found some treasures, climbed an active volcano, swam in the big sea at a depth of 15m for the first time, went to a street where Lord Byron once lived, stood on the ground where Alexander the Great once passed by, watched an opera in the best opera house in the world, met a legit published poet in a chance encounter, and live out a Kafka book experience?

you wish you had my life.

and now i am back to conjugating verbs and 300 pages of reading every night.

Это всё

Countdown

4 more days.

And I'm off to see the world. All alone this time, across 7 countries in the span of a month.

This bleary life has grown tiresome. I need a respite.

Oh, my parents still have no clue about this, and what little hints that I have given them seem to have thrown them off-kilter. Then they'll start shooting a million questions in 30 seconds.

I am really doing this. Without my family's knowledge. God help me.

But I have absolutely no regrets.

So let the journey begin.

dental drama - part 1

After my 'visit' today, I am thoroughly convinced that Poe must have been inspired by the standards of dentistry in his days when he wrote the Pit.

The executioner comes in many disguises. le sigh.

My only salvation was le iPod, and the constant ogling of dem Italian players beating the crap out of the US team in men's volleyball. Hey, whatever works for the pain, okay. And they won. In all respects *if you know what I mean*

Thank heavens for the charms of those HD tvs that even dentists deem it necessary to include in their fancy-schmancy lair these days. Extra points for tuning into the Olympics.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I might have grown stalactites in my mouth in the last few hours. Thanks doc.  No more leisurely munching on desserts (or rice! oh the horror) for the next few days.

yes nigel. like that.
i would killz for dem teeth to escape dental purgatorio

Это всё  :(

Vile, vile thing

"Unbelief is the subjective negation of a belief in Order, Beauty, Purpose, and Eternal Life. Unbelief is to Faith as Chaos is to Cosmos, as the Fire of Misery is to the Garden of Bliss."

Tsk tsk. Slacking, have we? One full bloody month without any new posts.  And no single entry in my journal as well. As evident through my vile, squiggly scribble at a joke of an attempt in flawless penmanship.

Blink blink. 13 more days until the Holy month ends.

I am feeling that waning motivation already. Oh Lord. What a pitiful sight. Has not my heart illuminated at all with introspection? Or have false inner demons lingered too long, pushing me off into that dark abyss, forcing me to claw my way up all over again, battered and bloodied?

Lesson most severely learnt today from سورة ص today:

[from the commentary]: "Turn to Him in Prayer and Praise, for that is more than any worldly power or wisdom."

Bam. So my compass malfunctioned. The dunya is too much, and I only have yours truly to blame.

So much for donning the cloak of a vicegerent. Completely helpless and insignificant before Him.

With that, I sincerely beg Your forgiveness from this vile, flawed mortal coil. Mercy.

On another note: The Olympics have completely taken over most of my life. You know you overindulge when you have the Chinese national anthem on loop in your head for a few days. A quadrennial event is no reason to abandon the pen though. My apologies.

And...Bulgaria in 10 days. Say WHAT?

Демоны в одиночестве

Когда восвышенные чувства,
Свобода, слава и любовь
И вдохновенные искусства
Так сильно волновали кровь, 
Часы надежд и наслаждений
Тоской внезапной осеня,
Тогда какой-то злобный гений
Стал тайно навещать меня.

Ах, Пушкин. Я не могу вас оставлять. Лето так суровое.

 Это всё

Hierographology

What is it with your nature that taunts me so?

Immobile by virtue of your birth and circumstance

Yet so artful, so capable of moving even the most hardened of souls

With a single masterful touch

Some take refuge in your philosophy

And find solace in your infinite wisdom

The prodigal creature that returns

Finds absolution in your breast

A seeker entombed in his own discernments

Is enlightened by your caress

And the disciple who blundered in his youth

Revels in triumph before your truth

Standing before you, at this juncture

Without qualms, without reservations

I am prepared to enter your pyre

In hopes of seizing redemption

From this wayward desire

And so I place my world upon your feet

This paltry life that is so incomplete

Purge me from this mindless obsession

Such is the crux of my confession

A very Gregor Samsa morning

Дорогие друзья,


"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect." 


Have you ever had one of those mornings? I had one today, and was almost late for a meeting.


Where was my Grete when I needed her?


Это всё

Talk some sense into this head

Дорогие друзья,

I am as clueless as I've ever been.  Idk what time Blogger says this thing is posted, I won't bother fixing my clock/timezone, but it is 10pm here, and the sun has just fully set.  The air is dry, reeked in sweat and uncertainties.

Summer is in full swing.

And I am staring at this foolscap sheet plastered on my bulletin board for the past few days, about to do something rash and probably unwise for a young woman in my position, but I haven't a care of what others conceive of this crazy plan.

Goodbye mundane existence. Hello world! :)

Heads up, sojourners. Full-on Kerouacian mode has been activated. I also need my Liz Gilbert moment. Dolce far niente, mi amici!


Это всё

First night with Josef K.

Ditched plans with lovely company.  I have the most wonderful friends in the world, but sometimes people are less profound than papers with words.

The introvert has resurfaced, and she is unstoppable.

And thus begins my reading on a lovely summer night.  First to cross off from my list - Kafka's The Trial.

Let's hope Josef K. is as riveting as Gregor Samsa, and less confusing than Cincinnatus C..

I rest my case.

 Это всё

Stranger Than Fiction

Ты знаешь...

Who are you now?

Perception is reality.  How much of fiction is fact, and how much of fact is real?

This world is a void, and I am in exile.

I don't know myself anymore.

Abysmal

Exactly my feelings at this moment.

It has been a month since I've actually posted something here.  That alone should account for my
merciless schedule.

I felt like I had sealed a Faustian bargain with the academia as a Humanities student. Really, this past month has just driven me hysterical to the point where I considered lobotomy.

30 nights of endless tappings on the keyboard. 30 nights of insomnia. 30 nights of system overload.
30 days of being zombified.

Still, I survived academic purgatory.  Here's to the end of my sophomore year.  Waiting for my Russian finals to officially conclude the term.

Despite this [-----] close to Ophelia, I persevered.

God, you have my gratitude.  I am but Your humble servant.

Till next time,
До свидания

Мой первый капустник!

Здравствуйте!  A как дела сегодня?

Been a long time since I urged these lazy fingers to tap on the keyboard.  But today was so
fun-filled and amazing - my first participation in the капустник (kapustnik), also known as the annual
Talent Show organized by the Slavic Department!

Languages have always been my thing - and it was such a great experience listening to the different
branches of Slavic languages in prose, songs and poetry.

So, for my part, our class did a short skit called "Репка" (repka), which just means 'turnip'. I was the рассказчик (raskazchik), a.k.a the Narrator.  Turnips are a common imagery used throughout Slavic fairy tales - basically Repka is about an old couple who could not pull out a giant turnip from the ground, and so they enlisted help from their granddaughter and other animals.  Took them several tries and different arrangements on who pulls who until they finally got the ginormous turnip out.

тянут-потянут, вытянуть не могут!

And the best part - free Russian food.

Я тоже ела репы - борщ.  Tак вкусные! 

Good old borshch and bliny for lunch, how can I resist?

Till next time,
До свидания

Walking in Eve's shadows

"Who loves, raves." - Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Lord Byron

Unblank this Slate

Staring through dust stained windows

While the mind works its cogwheels

And trots from one thought to another

As the heart is torn asunder

Oh, how ephemeral these memories seem

So finite, so unreal

Like prancing though shattered glass

As the minuet silently fleets

Gently now,

With no sense of urgency

Retrace each step without hesitancy

Across infinite chapters and quaint vagaries 

Squeak squeak

A premonition. I sense an impending doom.

'Tis my squeaky eyeballs. 

I wonder what it means when your eyeballs squeak.  Mine do, and they are loud.  

MAI EYESSS

I sleep at an average of 4 hours per day.  Story of my life.  It is either that or total insomnia. 

Maybe it is time to consult a doctor.  

Or maybe I'll just get some catnips.

Till then,

до свидания

Illuminate

I am but a shadow in Your luminescence
So please,
Let not the last gleam perish
Lest the heart emerge void of essence

A guise in verse

And all the world is for fools and dreamers
But the masquerade shall endure
When the eye deceives, and the mind altered
The spirit shall rot in veritable spectre

Down down down to the ground

I can feel it.  A waft of scorching molten heat coursing through my veins.  It is coming, and helpless mortal that I am, I was brought to my knees.

Please Lord, I implore Thee, I cannot afford to get sick :( I have two essays due and a test to sit through.  As litanies escape my lips, it is to You that I turn to.

Till next time, hopefully with better constitution.

До свидания

Понедельник день тяжелый

Понедельник день тяжелый :(  Я хочу заниматься, но не могу.  так устал.  T_T  

А как вы думаете? 

Это всё  :(

t3-mry has my soul

Привет!

Я не свободна весь день :(  Ohohohohoho, I can see I am about to stumble into that loop of unfaithful blogging again :P

7 courses this term - and I'm feeling it.  This whole week alone I have done nothing - and I truly mean NOTHING else than translating Middle Egyptian texts (that means hieroglyphs). Yay! Or perhaps nay?

More of The Shipwrecked Sailor.  Hoch is definitely
trolling with us.

Ok ok I am not about to complain.  I have come this far and I finally got my single wish in life.  Getting here is only the beginning - it's keeping my two feet on the ground that is the real challenge .  I thank God every single day that I am blessed enough to pursue what I truly love.  I simply cannot fathom how people can separate passion from their work.

Weekend is finally here, and that means I.K.E.A!  I have been sans study table for half a term now, it's about time I get one so I can dump more junk on top of it.  I have complete confidence in my ineptitude in putting books on the shelf.

I am a little behind with Middle Egyptian, so that also means no real weekend for me.  My life is defined through statives, participles and prospective sdm.n.fs.

Homework. I kid you not.  That is as literal as it could get.
Jolly good time - like an Ancient Egyptian.

Of course, more readings and essays.  I would need to get a head start if I want that one week of adventure to myself on Reading Week.  I have one paper due right in the middle of that blissful holiday (putting myself in the shoes of a Soviet publisher, no less).  I am so not complaining about what is on top of my to-do-list.  Not when I get to rant about one of the most magnificent female rulers in history ever.

First thing due this term :)  Maatkare, you please me so.

How did Howard Carter survive all those years, endlessly working and uncovering layers after layers of history?  I can only imagine the fortitude and perseverance the man must have possessed.  I'd like to blame it all on the absence of internet (hence less distraction), but that would be the sloth in me talking.  And finally, after all this time, I made my first entrance into the Far Eastern Library in the ROM.  Then I stumbled upon a dissertation of one of my profs on Egyptology.  Needless to say, bricks have been shat.

Say goodbye to at least the next 10 years of my life.

No time for matrimony and procreation

To quote Sheldon Cooper: "Oh the humanities!"  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obTNwPJvOI8  

I totally feel you woman.

Till next time,

До свидания

Vainpot...and countdown to Malaysian Night

Здравствуй!

Only a few days left until the big day! Malaysian Night is finally gonna be here, and it's B.I.G.

I am working under the fashion show department, with my lovely girls Natasha and Sarah.  So guess what my job is?

Test drive.  I'll probably reserve this look for the bride. :)

That's right.  Yours truly has the honour of being the mak andam.

Meaning that I will be handling the hair and make-up.  It has been so long since I've done any makeup on anyone, and I have been honing my long-forgotten skills for these past few days (*liar* - this is just another legit excuse to play makeup when I have nothing to do in my room).  There will be five couples on the runway, each displaying a matching pair of traditional clothes worn by the different ethnic groups in Malaysia.

Of course, the crowning jewel would be the pelamin (dais used in Malay weddings) on stage.  We are going to stage a Malay wedding as part of our effort to introduce Malaysian culture to foreigners.  I can't wait for the sounds of kompang to pierce through the night when Busuk and Wahida would step in as our lovely couple. And yes, we'll even have menepung tawar (which is like a blessing ceremony done to the couple on the dais *explaining foreign terminologies is not my forte!*).

And oh, the hair. THE HAIR! I have no clue how to manage hairdos. I am at a complete loss when it comes to hair, since I have always let mine flow freely.  I think I'm just going to stick a fake bun on the bride's hair. :P

Look #2.  Aquamarine-inspired.

I cannot imagine the backstage mayhem.  It will definitely be a rush trying to prepare everything on time and get the show going. The venue will be at Wycliffe Hall, which is close to Trinity College at Hoskin Avenue.  The University does not permit access to the hall until the day itself, and only from 3p.m.. Which leaves us precisely three hours to arrange the stage, the food stalls and the decorations until the event kicks off at around 6-ish.  And I need to get my models going as well. Oh the drama.

In the meantime, we have one last huge meeting tomorrow to finalize the agenda and stuff before Winter term starts.  Hurray for school.  And we still have flowers to decorate, drapes to measure, costumes to finish etc etc...

Till then, до свидания!

Let the readings commence

Здравствуй!

And so, with a short trip to the library, my readings for the second half of the term shall begin.

For the month of January only.  And the books are far from complete
(someone beat me to the library!)

Last week, my prof posted the syllabus online, and needless to say, the readings required are absolutely rigorous.  Such is the fate of a literature student.  At least one novel must be completed per week - and if you think the story ends there, I am afraid you are quite wrong my friend.  The story/prose must be put into perspective, taking into consideration the social, historical and political backdrop.  Oh, don't forget the classic literary (i.e. character, plot, lit device etc.) conventions too.

This is the course that I've been most enthusiastic about for this term.  It is called 'Narrative Revolution and Counterrevolution in 20th Century Russian Prose'.  So basically it deals with writings from the post-Revolutionary period - works from both sides of the spectrum, from the hardcore conformists to the fearless dissidents.  My enthusiasm is further inflamed by the fact that Prof. Livak is teaching this course. I have to admit, he looks intimidating, and gives off the authoritative know-it-all aura that some university profs have at a glance :P  But I've talked to him in person to discuss about course requirements and stuff, and he seems like a really, really cool dude.  He is reputed to be one of the best lecturers in the Slavic Languages & Lit. department - one who really knows the subject matter at hand, and some of my friends have taken his courses.  Reviews have been very, very positive.

To be honest, aside from the cursory readings that I've done on my own - works by Solzhenitsyn, Aleksandr Blok and Akhmatova's Requiem - I really do not have much knowledge about Soviet literature and Socialist Realist aesthetics as much as I do with their predecessors in the 19th century.  The line between political discourse and literature is a thin one in the Russian literary canon.  The two are virtually inseparable.  To fully comprehend the authors and their work, one must be well acquainted with Russia's political history to understand what is implicated in the writings.  And there lies the real challenge in my readings.  It has become a routine for me to seek out and learn the historical context of a particular work before I start reading the real texts - even when I am not reading Russian stuff.  I anticipate that the job would prove even more arduous this time around, since I will be dealing with a more volatile period in Russian history.  Not to mention the problematic nature of publication to avoid censors back then, where one slip of the pen could mean death to the author.  I am particularly excited about reading Varlam Shalamov's The Kolyma Tales, a series of short stories about life in the Soviet labour camps.

At present, I am still stuck in the 19th Century bubble.  I am currently still reading "How the Russians Read the French" by Priscilla Meyer, a gem that I quite accidentally stumbled upon at Robarts.  This is such an enlightening read, since Russian literature have in the past been accused of being a pale imitation of the French and Western European literary tradition.

Such a good read, and I am far from finished :P
May need to extend the loan (again)

Sometimes when I look at the books stacked at the corner of my room, I feel like it is such a Sisyphean task to even contemplate reading them all in such a short amount of time.  But really, my philosophy has always been that one can NEVER, ever have too much books.  You find the most uncanny things as you flip through the pages.

I thought my passion for Egyptology could tamper down my frustration for not taking any lit courses in the first term - but that move proved to be farcical.  Don't get me wrong.  My love for archaeology and Egypt will forever take precedence before literature.

But literature keeps me sane by driving me insane.  Does that make any sense to you?  (I am sure lit students can very well relate to this sentiment)

Till next time, до свидания. :)

Привет! Что ты делаешь сегодня?

Okay. Here goes.


Since it is 2012 already and it is now or never, I hereby pledge to be a more faithful blogger. As if I've posted stuff before =.=


All levity aside, this blog is mainly a testament to my repressed/stunted passion to write stuff freely - without fretting over citations that are the bane of my existence as a Humanities student.  


It has been quite a long while since I have given any thought to compose something honest and straightforward - and for the first time in a very long, long time, I want to write again :)

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird"
(Photo by Yours Truly)

Here's to a (hopefully) blessed year ahead :)  May the Almighty guide us all.